How struggling to conceive has made me want to be a Mum more than ever
When I was a teenager I used to say I wanted to have a massive family. I am one of 7 children, so maybe I said this because It was all I knew. However as I got into my 20's I soon changed my mind, and thought about 3-4 children would be really nice.
I met my husband when I was 21. We were married 4 years later.
As soon as we got married we thought we would just see if we got pregnant. I wouldn't say we were trying as such, but we were accepting it could very well happen. After being married for 4 months I had a period that was a little late, I thought maybe I could be pregnant. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I didn't expect to feel so upset, but I was. I burst out crying. I didn't really know why, because we hadn't been trying for long and we were in no rush to get pregnant. Me and my husband spoke about why I was so upset. After talking about loads of things. It came down to a simple fact that I wasn't happy in my job. At the time I was a support worker and also a singing/drama teacher. I enjoyed aspects of my job, but I didn't see a long term career there. I wanted a change! I told my husband that I wanted to travel the world. I am quite a spontaneous person, but my husband isn't, so I was surprised at how he took the news. He also said he would like that. I had talked about maybe going away for 6 months and he even said maybe we should go for a year. I handed in my notice at work the next day. That is how sure we were! We were both so excited! The next few months were all about planning and saving. We went all over the world for 10 months. It was such an exciting time of our lives. I will always look back and smile at the many memories we have had together and the wonderful places we have seen and people we have met. You can read more about our travels on our travel blog.
Picture of us visiting the hill tribes in Thailand.
When we returned from our travels we had to live with my parents for a year, to help us get back on our feet. We finally moved into our own place in January 2012. During that year we had never used contraception. Once we moved into our own place, we finally actively decided to try for a baby. It was about a year after trying, that to be safe we would go to the doctors just to make sure everything was ok. At this point I can honestly say, I was not worried or stressed about not getting pregnant. I know for some people, when they start trying they just want it to happen now! We were very relaxed about it at first. We thought, there is time, we don't need to rush. We were both just getting on with our lives and enjoying our time together. We both love travelling, music, walking, adventure and being outdoors. So as I said, we were not worried. There were no tears at this point when my period came. There was no feeling of there is something missing in my life.
4 years later, the story is a little different. The more time has gone on, the more I have started to feel upset at the possibility that this may not ever happen. I consider myself to be a very positive person. I always try to see the good in everything, and I always try to remain optimistic. I must admit though, that it is not always easy holding on to that hope, when year after year it doesn't happen.
If there is anything good that has come from this experience though, it is this. I promise the world and everyone who is reading this blog right now, that if I ever manage to conceive my own child, I will love that child more than anything. As I said at the beginning of this blog, I used to say I wanted a big family, well I will be happy with one. I look forward to feeling the morning sickness and tired feelings that people describe when they are pregnant. I look forward to being able to raise a child with my husband and have that connection that children bring to you as a couple. The waiting has definitely made me want to be a Mum more than ever.
However I say all this, and the other side of me tells me that it is also important to be able to picture a life where this may not happen. People say keep your eye on the goal if you want to achieve it. It is a little different with wanting a baby. If you have a goal to become a nurse, you go to university to study and with hard work and dedication you can become a nurse. There could be a number of reasons why we are not conceiving naturally. It is likely that at this stage, there is a problem. We have been classed as unexplained infertility. In most cases a problem is found eventually. Problems can be fixed, and on the positive side, I feel that this will most likely be the case for us. Of course this is what I hope. I hope it for every couple out there, who are also struggling to conceive. I hope and pray for you all, and for myself that it will happen.
I will smile and be happy at the wonderful life I have.